Saying No!  

It’s such a simple little word ----- No. Yet saying no can be so hard for us. And by not saying no, we create endless problems for ourselves. We do things we really don’t want to do. We deny our own feelings and beliefs. We fake feelings. We sometimes go against our own morals. We end up not liking ourselves. We end up not liking the people we are trying to please. All because we can’t say no. What is going on here? Why is it so hard to say this little two-letter word? Some common reasons:

·         Wanting approval. 

·         Wanting to be liked or loved.  

·         Not wanting to hurt others (but it’s okay to hurt ourselves?) 

·         Avoiding guilt.  

·         Not wanting to feel bad when we say no to someone who really needs something from us.  

·         Fear of confrontation.  

·         Not wanting to bear the emotions of other people’s anger. 

When are we going to stand up for ourselves and speak our truth? Well, first we have to learn how to say no. Say it….No! Yell it. Scream it! Punch the air as you state it. Point your finger as you shout it! Pound your pillow as you say it. Look in the mirror and say it. Pull the weeds as you silently say it in your head. No! No! No! How many times do I have to say No! As many times as you need to until it comes naturally. Until you can say it without quivering. Until you can say it loudly, forcefully, assertively. Until you really mean it. 

1.What are you most afraid of if you start saying no? (That people will disapprove of you, or that they will think you are selfish, or mean, or bad, or nasty, or cold). 

2. Who are you most worried about saying no to? (Your mum, boss, friends, children, partner etc) 

3. In what situations do you find it most difficult saying no? (in person, on the phone, when you are visiting the requester) 

Some Hints on Saying NO: 

·         Keep it simple: “No, I can’t do that.” “No thank you.” No, I’m not interested.” 

·         Stay calm and respectful and keep it upbeat: “Thanks anyway!” “Have a nice day!” “Good luck!” 

·         When put on the spot, give yourself breathing space: “I will have to think about it and let you know tomorrow.” “I’ll check with my husband, solicitor, doctor, etc and let you know.” 

·         Never say: “I’m not sure.” This gives the message that you could be pursuaded, and the other person will probably put pressure on you to get what they want. 

·         Watch out for guilty feelings: You will feel guilty at first, but just accept that and let the feeling pass. Then pat yourself on the back and celebrate! 

·         Explanations can be useful: “I have certain charities I always support.” “I have some important work items to attend to today.” “I already have a good home loan.” 

Putting it all together: 

1.      Make a list of typical situations when you find it hard to say No. Then, using the guidelines above, write a hypothetical response for each situation. Next time you are confronted by these problems, you will have another way of responding. Write your response on a card that you keep next to the phone or in your bag so you are prepared next time the situation arises.  

2.      In the next week, say no to 4 things you would normally agree to. Examples: When the telemarketer calls, tell them you are not interested; Put on the answering machine during dinner and refuse to answer any calls; Tell your son you can’t loan him $50; Tell your boss you can’t work next Saturday. See how you feel.