My Personal Boundaries

Boundaries are like fences around our personal world. A personal boundary lets others know when they have trespassed. If we have no fence (no boundaries) around our personal world, other’s can freely wander through as they please, stepping on, hurting, and destroying that which is precious. What does your fence look like? Is it strong and sturdy? Or weak and falling down in places? Maybe it is strong in parts but weak in other parts. Maybe you have no fences (no boundaries). Or maybe you have such high walls that no one can get in to your personal world. 

Visualise your boundaries by imagining a fence around a beautiful house (you are the house). What kind of fence is it? Does it have a gate? Do you feel safe in your house? Do you feel respected? Valued? Loved?  

Are there any trespassers who come into your house without permission? Why do they think they have the right to do that? Perhaps you need to put a sign on your front fence that says: please do not enter without permission of owner. Sometimes we need to make very clear signs to give a clear message, especially to intruders (or boundary invaders). 

What happens when we don’t have clear boundaries? We can end up being manipulated, dominated, victimised, bullied, and walked over. We end up feeling distressed, betrayed, angry, frightened, ashamed and hurt. 

Creating your own personal boundaries

What we believe we deserve in life is exactly what we get. We must create expectations and guidelines so that we know what we will and will not allow. 

Record what your expectations are of the following people: 

Partner 

Children 

Siblings 

Parents 

In-laws 

Boss 

Work collegues 

Neighbours 

Friends 

Next, record what you will not accept from these people: 

Partner 

Children 

Siblings 

Parents 

In-laws 

Boss 

Work collegues 

Neighbours 

Friends 

Now, record how you deserve to be treated (and why) by each of these people: 

Partner 

Children 

Siblings 

Parents 

In-laws 

Boss 

Work collegues 

Neighbours 

Friends 

List the things you need to change in your life so that others are respecting you (and you are respecting yourself). 

Make a list of things you are no longer willing to accept (including things you believe you currently do not accept): 

Examples:   I will not loan my car to anyone. 

                  I will not accept swearing at me. 

                  I will not allow anyone to put me down, ridicule me or criticise     and judge me. 

Using all of the above information, write a set of guidelines that are like signs on the fence around your house. What messages do you want people to get? What are your expectations of people who visit your house? You are the protector of your special house and you need to ensure your boundaries are all secure and that they cannot be pushed over by invaders.