Managing Anger

Strategies to help manage your anger: 

1. List the things that trigger your anger: Make a list of the things you are aware of that set off your anger (examples might be, running late for work and getting caught in a traffic jam, your teenager leaving dirty dishes in the sink, a co-worker blaming you for something you didn’t do). If you know ahead of time what makes you angry, you may be able to avoid these things or do something different when it happens.  
2. Notice the warning signs in your body: Some symptoms of anger are a pounding heart, tightness in your chest, gritting your teeth, sweating or shaking, tense jaw and flushed face. The earlier you can recognize these warning signs of anger, the more successful you will be at calming yourself before your anger gets out of control. 
3. Control your thinking: When you are angry, your thinking can become exaggerated and irrational. Try replacing these kinds of thoughts with more rational ones and you might find a change in how you feel. For example, rather than telling yourself, “I can’t stand this, it’s awful and everything is ruined,” tell yourself, “It’s frustrating and it’s understandable that I feel upset, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it.” Or ask yourself, “How important is this problem? How will I see it tomorrow, next week, next year?” Gain some perspective. 

Develop a list of things to say to yourself before, during and after situations in which you may get angry. It is more helpful if these things focus on how you are managing the situation rather than what other people should be doing. 

Before: 

            “I’ll be able to handle this. It could be rough but I have a plan.” 

            “If I feel myself getting angry, I’ll know what to do.” 

During: 

            “Stay calm, relax, and breathe easy.” 

            “Stay calm, I’m okay, s/he’s not attacking me personally.” 

            “I can look and act calm.” 

After: 

            “I managed that well. I can do this. I’m getting better at this” 

            “I felt angry but didn’t lose my cool.” 

4. Take time out: If you feel your anger getting out of control, take time out from the situation. Try leaving the room, going into another room, or going outside and walking around the yard or down the road. Before you go, remember to make a time to talk about the situation later when everyone has calmed down. During time out, plan how you are going to stay calm when your conversation resumes. 
5. Use distraction: This is a great technique to distract your mind from the situation that is making you angry. Try counting to ten, going to your room and listening to some soothing music, laying down with a warm facecloth over your eyes, ringing a good friend or focusing on a simple task like polishing the car, weeding the garden or folding laundry. 
6. Use relaxation: Relaxation strategies can reduce the feelings of tension and stress in your body when you feel angry. Try taking long deep breaths and really focus on your breathing. Count to 5 as you breathe in through your nose, hold to the count of 3 and breathe out through your mouth to the count of 7. Lie down on your bed and concentrate on relaxing the muscles around your body. Start with your face (squinch it up and tightly close your eyes, then release it), move to your shoulders (shrug them and let go), arms (stretch out in front of you, then drop them and let go), chest (take a deep breath in, hold and release), buttocks (squeeze them together, then let go), thighs (squeeze and let go), legs (point toes down and release, then point toes up toward your body and release). 
7. Learn assertive skills: Attend a course or read a self-help book on how to be assertive. These skills ensure that anger is channeled and expressed in clear and respectful ways. Being assertive means being clear with others about what your needs and wants are, feeling okay about asking for them, but respecting the other person’s needs and wants as well and being prepared to negotiate. Avoid using words like “never,” or “always” (for example, “You’re always late!”), as these statements are usually inaccurate, make you feel as though your anger is justified, and don’t leave much possibility for the problem to be solved. 
8. Try to acknowledge what is making you angry: admit to yourself or others that a particular situation is making you angry. Telling others that you felt angry when they did or said something is more helpful than just acting out the anger.
9. Think about whom you are expressing your anger to. Take care that you are not just dumping your anger on the people closest to you, or on people less powerful than you. For example, don’t yell at your partner, children, parent or dog, when you are really angry with your boss.
10. Sometimes it helps to write things down. What is happening in your life? How do you feel about the things that are happening? Writing about these topics can sometimes help give you some distance and perspective and help you understand your feelings. Work out some options for changing your situation and if there is nothing you can change, try accepting it. Say to yourself, “I can’t change this situation, so I have to just let it go.” 
11. Rehearsing anger management skills: Imagine yourself in a situation that usually sets off your anger. Imagine how you could act in that situation without getting angry. Or, think about a situation where you did get angry and replay it in your mind, imagining how you could have resolved it without anger.