Creating Happiness in Relationships

Research suggests that couples who are happy in their relationship, do specific things that maintain their sense of togetherness, intimacy, caring and love. The following is a summary of the types of things that will create happiness in your relationship.

  Reminiscing about positive shared experiences: 

Past Experiences: Think about some of the past experiences that have enhanced your relationship. Examples are: holidays, your wedding, the birth of your children, going to the opera, renovating your house, buying a house, whale watching, the fancy dress party you attended, Christmas on your own, etc. 

Spend time reminding each other of these times. Pull out the photo albums and go through them together. Watch your wedding video or look at wedding photos every few months.  

New Experiences: Think about what new experiences you could enjoy together that will give you something to reminisce about in 10 years. Start doing fun things together. Plan holidays and short breaks away, organise a babysitter once a month and go out together, get together with other couples, say yes to invitations to parties, surprise each other with something different (have a picnic on the bedroom floor), paint a feature wall in the lounge room, create a new garden……..the list is endless.  

Supporting each other: 

Emotionally: Be there for your partner when they just need to talk about something. Listen, encourage, reassure and comfort him/her. Do not offer advise or give solutions. Sometimes all your partner wants is to be heard. If you are unsure, ask your partner: “Do you want to just talk about this, or do you want help to find a solution?”

With specific problems: When your partner needs help finding a solution to a problem they have, first listen and try to understand exactly what the problem is, then offer ideas. Ask for feedback. Don’t expect that your solutions will always be followed. Brainstorm with your partner. Offer assistance if you think that might help.

With daily activities: Show interest in your partner’s work, hobbies, sport, and all the little things in everyday life. Be interested in your partner’s life. 

Caring for each other:

 Caring Acts: Caring is different from providing support. Caring    involves doing things for your partner in order to let them know that you value and care about them. In the beginning of relationships, couples do lots of kind, caring things for each other. This tends to wear off after a while. Couples who maintain happiness continue to do caring acts for each other long after the honeymoon.

      By doing caring things for your partner, it shows you are committed to nurturing your relationship. What things do you do that show your partner you care?

 Set Goals: Think about the past 24 hours and recall something you did that was a caring act. What about over this past week or month? Make a list of the caring things your partner does for you and rate them on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 = least positive, 10 = most positive) Make another list of some of the things you do for your partner and some new things you could do. Exchange lists with your partner. Discuss the lists. Rate the things your partner said they do or could do for you. Give the lists back and make a goal to implement some of the things on your list during the next fortnight.  

Balancing your time:

  Spending time together: Doing activities together develops closeness. Happy couples have fun together. They also do lots of ordinary everyday activities together which develops a common   focus.

  Pursuing individual activities: Happy couples don’t spend every spare minute together. This can become boring and you end up with nothing to talk about. It can also lead to a loss of self-identity, that is, we end up losing the sense that we are separate, unique and important individuals with a purpose in life. It’s important to develop our interests as unique selves.           

  Shared activities with others: If you have children, then it’s important to have time together as a family. Even if you don’t have kids, it is important to pursue activities with friends and family.

 

 Conclusion: The idea is to work out a balance in your lives that includes all of these. Some couples like to spend more time together than apart; others enjoy lots of family outings and reserve specific nights for themselves. How do you spend your time at the moment? Make a list of the activities you do together, individually and with family and friends.Are you happy with the balance in your life? If not, what would you like to change? Using the three areas above, write down whether you are happy with the level of activity in each area, or would like more or less activity in the areas. (example: I would like more independent activites, I would like less shared activities with family and friends and I am happy with the couple activities.)Share this information with your partner and see if you have similar responses. It’s okay if you don’t, as we are all different.  As a couple you may each need to be more flexible and open to change. There may be a creative way that you can both get what you want. For example, if one of you wants to spend more time together, choosing activities your partner likes (gardening, squash, their type of movie etc) and doing it as a couple may change his/her attitude toward shared time. Learning how to resolve conflict is a valuable skill to learn as a couple and can be taught in a few therapy sessions. Ask your counsellor. 

Final Tips 

1.      Keep your relationship your No. 1 priority. Make time for each other. Complement each other often. Each day, do or say something that conveys the message “I love you and you are very important to me.” 

2.      Cherish each other’s uniqueness. Encourage individual growth and allow each to be authentic. Focus on your partner’s good points. 

3.      Listen attentively to each other. Make eye contact and communicate in a caring and sensitive way. Turn the television off. Check if what you hear is what your partner means. We are often wrong on this! 

4.      Strive for an honest and open relationship, but don’t use honesty to hurt your partner. 

5.      Fight fare when you must fight. Don’t bring up old issues. Stay on the issue that concerns you. Take turns making your point. Express your feelings. Take responsibility for your stuff. Be ready to forgive and let go once you have both discussed an issue. 

6.      Leave work at work. Take personal time to unwind if you need to, but don’t take work related problems out on your mate or family. 

7.      A healthy relationship needs healthy everyday interactions. Pay attention to the little things: say “I love you,” give each other a hug and kiss, show respect and consideration, be polite to each other. We are often kinder to strangers we meet on the train than we are to our  partners/children.