Coping with Painful Feelings  

Fear of Painful Feelings: 

When we experience painful feelings, most of us don’t like it. We fear where it might lead. Maybe we will lose control and make a fool of ourselves. Maybe it will overwhelm us and we will fall down in a heap. Maybe we will even go crazy. For these reasons, we avoid our painful feelings and instead go automatically into a coping mechanism. One way of coping is to flee by withdrawing, becoming depressed, eating, gambling, shopping, drinking, going to sleep, running away, spacing out, complying and giving up our needs, becoming a victim. The other way is to fight by panicking, defending, blaming, criticising, attacking, rebelling, abusing, hitting out. Most coping mechanisms not only damage others, but also ourselves. Therefore, they are not very healthy means of avoiding those painful feelings we most fear.  

Understanding Painful Feelings and How they Work: 

When we are in the midst of a painful feeling, it seems like it is never going to relent. It becomes all-consuming, dominating our attention. We cannot look beyond it. Nor can we look into the past and see when it was not there.  

The true nature of pain: A painful feeling can build up and get worse until it reaches a peak, then, without warning, it begins to subside. Once the painful feeling subsides, we feel a sense of calm for a period of time before the feeling rises up again. It goes in a cycle: Pain builds up, the feeling gets more and more intense, until it reaches a point where we cannot bear it, then it subsides and another period of calm comes. This cycle continues, but the pain is not as strong and the periods of calm are longer until it finally eases altogether. The problem is, we tend to flee the situation or fight against it before the feeling reaches its peak.  

Facing the Painful Feelings: 

Once we recognise how pain works, we can use this knowledge to our advantage. Rather than avoid it, and use an unhealthy coping mechanism, we can use strategies to face it.  

1.      Use self-soothing words spoken gently to yourself:  “It’s only a feeling, and feelings pass.”  “This is an old familiar feeling and is not reflective of who I am now.” Or simply, “I can cope with this.” 

2.      Distance yourself from the pain: Take some deep breaths in and out and deliberately relax every part of your body. Focus on your breathing and relax and let the pain pass by, knowing it will pass. Imagine yourself floating above your body, looking down at you experiencing this terrible pain. As you watch yourself, tell yourself it will pass shortly. You will survive. Finally, imagine yourself at a time in the future when this pain is long gone. See yourself in a positive, happy situation and focus on this until the pain passes. 

3.      Create powerful new images to counter painful feelings: This must be done before any painful feelings come up. So, prepare yourself at a calm time to face any future feelings by creating positive anchors. An anchor is an association you make between a stimulus (a touch, a snap of fingers, a clap) and positive feelings. Start with sitting or laying down in a comfortable position with arms and legs uncrossed. Focus on your body and bring relaxation to all your muscles. Close your eyes and bring up a memory of a time when you felt great about yourself (happy, confident, worthwhile). Make a clear picture of the event or situation: notice what you are wearing, how you looked, what sounds and sights were around you, and how you felt. Listen to yourself talk with confidence, and hear the positive responses from others. Build up a vivid picture of this until you really feel the acceptance and worthiness. Then create an anchor by touching your pointer finger and thumb together. Repeat this procedure using at least 3 other situations, and when you build up your positive feelings, create another anchor with the same finger and thumb. When you are next faced with a painful feeling, use your anchor to flip from the negative to positive feelings. It may help to recall parts of the scenes you anchored. The goal is to get back in touch with your feelings of confidence, worthiness, strength and self-acceptance. This helps to fight against the not-OK feelings. 

4.      Talk to your inner child: Painful feelings often arise as a result of unresolved childhood experiences. Children have faulty, fantasy thinking until they reach the age of reason (usually around 8-10). For example, if your dad left when you were young, you probably felt bad and you may have even believed it was your fault. Similarly, when a child is yelled at or belittled, they automatically think they are bad, and they feel the pain of that “badness.” They don’t assume that the parent has had a bad day or has other stressful things going on in their lives. Kids take on the pain. When you are faced with some painful feelings, ask yourself: “How old do I feel right now?” If your answer is: “Like a helpless 5 year old”, console that child part of you. Tell him/her that that was a long time ago, and they’re grown up now. Tell them you understand how they feel, and you are there for them now, even if no one was there all those years ago. Soothe them…tell them you think they are a great little kid and that you are proud of them for getting through their childhood so in-tack. Place your hand on your heart and imagine the child part of you living there. Comfort them. Love them. Soothe their hurt. If you think you might benefit from listening to an inner child visualisation, go here: How to Love, Nurture and Discipline Your Inner Child and you will find a free audio.