Closeness Patterns in Relationships  

The Love Addict: 

The love addict is conscious that they fear being left/abandoned. Their fear is that love will be taken away and never replaced. The inner child is scared of not being loved and even more scared that maybe they are not loveable. There is often a feeling of not being good enough. They will try to re-establish the relationship if it breaks down. They try to make things work, often to their own detriment. 

Underneath the love addict’s fear of abandonment is an unconscious fear of engulfment (being overwhelmed by too much closeness). 

The Avoider: 

The avoider is conscious that they fear being engulfed/suffocated. Their fear is that their partner will be “in their face” and demand too much attention. They especially fear having someone dependent on them, needy, clingy, or child like. They prefer more distance in a relationship. 

Underneath the avoider’s fear of engulfment is an unconscious fear of abandonment. One of the reasons they remain aloof and distant is to cushion the fall if the relationship ends. They have a fear of being left alone, abandoned, without love and closeness to make them feel okay. 

The Dances or Games we Play 

Two Love Addicts 

If two love addicts start a relationship, it has high intensity. They both want intimacy, closeness, lots of romance, so they spend a lot of time together, bonding and reassuring each other of their love and commitment to each other. Their relationship often becomes established quite quickly. As the relationship progresses, they tend to cling to each other, sometimes one more than the other.  

These relationships are often called co-dependent. 

Two Avoiders 

If two avoiders form a relationship, it remains quite low key. Each is happy to do their own thing, coming together for romance and intimacy, but retaining their shield of protection (aloofness). 

These relationships function without much closeness. Neither partner lets down their guard to be vulnerable with the other. 

A Love Addict and an Avoider 

If a love addict and an avoider get together it is pure craziness!! 

The love addict wants more closeness than the avoider wants, so right from the early stages they have conflict. The avoider holds more power because the love addict is willing to acquiesce if it means holding on to the security of love. This can often lead to abuse, especially emotional abuse, where the avoider puts down the love addict for their “neediness” or “clinginess.” This in turn will cause the love addict to cry or reason or take their partner to counselling. Avoiders do not like any of these things.  

The avoider has a sixth sense that tells them that someone is going to abandon them and they will often leave first (sometimes shutting down emotionally). If they leave a love addict, the love addict will often chase after them, fearing abandonment. The more the love addict chases, the more “closed in” the avoider feels, causing them to withdraw further. It becomes a distancing dance that creates a lot of pain for both of them. The interesting thing is, if the love addict turns and walks away at this stage, (not very common, but it does happen) the avoider will then be thrown into their own abandonment issue (remember it is a hidden fear). They will then come back towards the love addict, trying to bring back some closeness(without feeling suffocated). Usually, the love addict is so relieved that they take the avoider back. Stability is re-established for a time, until the pattern starts again.  

Some relationships continue in this pattern for a long time until one or both partners feel so crazy they have to break free. Alternatively, they see the writing on the wall and start scanning their environment for someone new, someone they hope will meet their needs. 

Breaking Free 

How does one prevent this pattern from destroying their relationship? First, become aware of the pattern. Just understanding why something is happening helps. Look at your relationship and ask yourself ‘Is there a pattern here?” “Do I have an abandonment issue from my past that I have never really looked at or dealt with?”  Am I an avoider or a clinger in this relationship? Do I flip from being an avoider and in control to being an out of control mess when a relationship ends? Or do I start out in relationships wanting lots of closeness and commitment, only to feel overwhelmed by too much, and then push my partner away?  

Second, look at your history and identify where and when the first abandonment occurred. Did a significant person leave you (physically or emotionally) before the age of 18? It may be something obvious like the death of a parent. It could be a divorce, where your parents split and one of them left to live in another town or state. A less obvious situation might be where your mother had depression or an alcohol or drug problem and so was not “there” emotionally for you.  

Third, recognise that whatever happened, you are still a worthy, precious person that deserves love. The more you can reinforce this, the better. Make a commitment to yourself that you will start today to love and care for your inner child. They are the part of you that feels abandoned, alone and scared. Plan to nurture yourself in ways that create a sense of self-love. See the worksheets on self-love ( 8 Tips on How to Love Yourself) and inner child exercises (How to Love, Nurture and Discipline Your Inner Child).

Fourth, when you are involved in a relationship that is following this pattern, talk to your partner about it, explaining what you see happening. If both agree, work on being more conscious with each other. For example, if you are feeling abandoned by your partner, tell them, “I’m feeling abandoned right now. Can you help by reassuring me that everything is okay between us?” If you are the partner hearing this, give reassurance and share with the other what you are feeling, “Everything is okay between us, but right now I feel closed in and need some space. Can I give you a hug and then I’m going for a drive. I’ll be back in a few hours, okay?” This is open, honest communication. Each owns their feelings.  

It may take a lot of practice and you may fail several times before you break the pattern, but it will be worth the effort in the long run. 

Fifth, if the pattern is deeply ingrained and one partner has no desire to change it, then it’s time to say goodbye. Endings are common in this pattern. So are reconciliations. So, beware. If you recognise that it’s all part of the pattern, break ties and be firm, but kind. Work on yourself and the pattern you identify with. Seek help from a professional. When you heal the wounds that created your fears, you will feel more stable and secure within yourself. You will not have the need to seek love and secure attachment in someone outside yourself. This will send out signals to other secure individuals, opening up the possibility for a mutually satisfying relationship.