Assertive Skills for Problem Situations  

How assertive are you? When faced with difficult behaviours of others, we need to be able to request changes in behaviour and ask for what we want in an assertive manner. There are times we need to be assertive on the spot and there are other times we can plan our approach.

On the Spot Assertiveness

What do you do if someone lights a cigarette near you, a friend drops by uninvited when you were resting, or someone jumps ahead of you in a line at the supermarket?

·         Evaluate your rights: do you believe your rights are being violated in some way?

·         Start your request with the following words: “I would like…”, “I want…”, “I would appreciate…” “Would you please…”

·         State your request firmly and simply, without apology or judgement.

·         Repeat if the person ignores your request.

Examples: “Would you please smoke somewhere else.” “I would appreciate it if you call before you drop in.” “I would like you to wait your turn.”

Planning an Assertive Request:

·         Evaluate your rights (see: “Personal Rights” ).

·         Negotiate a time: Find a mutually agreeable time when the problem can be discussed.

·         Be Prepared: Identify the problem from your point of view. What is it that you see, feel, hear, and want? Do some writing around these questions until you are clear about them.

·         State the problem: Be as objective as you can in outlining your point of view about a given situation in terms of consequences to you. (“I’m having a problem with the mess you leave in the bedroom when you go to work.”)

·         Express your feelings. (Check the Feelings List). Even if the other person does not agree with your interpretation of a situation, they may appreciate your feelings about it. Use I statements, such as “I feel hurt when you ignore me.” “I feel unappreciated when you leave your clothes on the floor for me to clean up.”

·         Request for change: Using a direct, straightforward approach, ask for what you want (or don’t want). Here are some guidelines:

·         Show positive body language: maintain eye contact, sit or stand upright, do not have crossed arms or legs, speak clearly and to the point without whining or crying. Remain calm. Deal with your emotions prior to your request.

·         Keep it simple ---- just one or two specific actions you want. Keep it small enough so that the other person is not overwhelmed. (“I want us to go to marriage counselling.” “I’d like you to put away your clothes before you go to work.”)

·         Be specific: give times and dates for what you want.

·         Describe what you want in terms of behaviour not a change in attitude.( “I would like you to hug me when you go to work and when you come home”, rather than, “I want you to be more affectionate.” “I have a problem when you don’t keep agreements with me”, rather than, “You are so dishonest and inconsiderate.” “I’d like you to put your dirty washing in the laundry” rather than, “You’re such a filthy slob!”)

·         Use I messages. Avoid blaming or attacking the other person. Keep your tone of voice moderate.

·         Make direct requests without apologising or making excuses. (Don’t preface your request with “I know this might sound like an imposition, but, I would like…)

·         Ask rather than demand: Demanding is aggressive and does not respect the dignity of the other person. (“I would like you to…” rather than, “Do this or else…”)

·         State the consequences if and when the other person co-operates with your request. (“If you do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, I will help you with your assignment tonight.”) This may require a negative consequence: “If you continue to yell at me, I will leave the room.”