Asking For What You Want

In order to be happy, we need to be able to live a life that expresses who we are. If we accept that underneath our needs and wants are our values, then when we ask for what we need and want, we are simply asking to express who we are! Sometimes, we are the hardest person to convince that we can have what we want. Start today. Be true to yourself. Discover what it is that makes you happy and then start asking for what you want. You might like to do the exercises from the worksheets: Values, Living Your Values, and Assessing What You Want. Then follow these 3 steps when asking someone for what you want:

1.      Choose a mutually agreeable time to sit and discuss what you want. Begin the discussion by expressing your needs from a values point of view. Some examples:

-         “I value (or I love) peace of mind, therefore I need some quiet time everyday on my own in a peaceful environment.”

-         “I value a sense of security, therefore I really need to design a savings plan so that I have money in the bank.”

-         “I value (or I love) adventure, therefore I need to go to exotic places like Vietnam.”

2.      Be specific about what you want and state it:

-         “I want to make the spare room into my quiet space where I can spend mornings from 6 to 7 undisturbed.”

-         “I want us to sit down together and work out a savings plan.”

-         “I want to plan a trip next year to Vietnam. I am going to the travel agent’s to get some brochures.”

3.      Conclude with a request:

-         “ Would that be alright with you?”

-         “Are you available Thursday night to work on that?”

-         “Do you want to come?”

-         “Can we discuss this?” 

Is there something you would like to ask for but have been putting it off for fear of the response you might get? Sit down with pen and paper and follow the above 3 steps and write down your request in the format given here. Practice it before you approach the person you will be asking. Then take a deep breath and do it! Ask for what you want. Remain calm. Smile as you speak. If at first you don’t succeed, ask again in a few days or weeks. For some requests, you may not need another person’s approval or help. You may actually want their support, but if you don’t get it, consider giving yourself what you want. For example, you could plan a trip to Vietnam and go on your own or with a friend. You could start your own savings plan (and use the savings to go to Vietnam!) Remember, this is your life. Make it what you want. There’s no dress rehearsal. This is it!