8 Tips on How to Love Yourself

Do you know how to love yourself? What does self-love actually look like? We often know more about how to love our children, our parents, our boyfriends/girlfriends or our marital partners than we know about loving ourselves. We sometimes fall into the role of “giver,” where we give our love and attention outward, and forget to give it inward. Or we may be great at seeing the beauty in others but fail to see it in ourselves. Some of us compare ourselves with others and feel like we never match up. We feel inferior, or less talented or not as good as others. We may have learned to be self-sacrificing and denied our own needs and desires. We may be so out of touch with our needs that we don’t even know what they are anymore. So, the starting point for learning self-love is simple: we must get in touch with ourselves at a deeper level. Then we can meet our needs, follow our dreams and passions and find fulfillment. See the articles on  Living Your Values  and Assessing What You Want. The following provides some ideas for loving yourself. Try all or choose one or two that resonate with you.

1. Stop criticizing and judging yourself: How can you feel loved if you are criticizing and judging yourself? Quieten the voice of the inner critic. Stop listening to the shame and judgement of that inner voice that says you are not worthy, not good enough, or not loveable. See article Combating the Inner Critic.   
2. Put yourself first: This is a big one for all those givers, carers and caretakers out there. Recognise that what you are giving to others, you often need yourself. Do an experiment: Next time you do something for someone else, ask yourself “Do I need this myself?” If the answer is yes, give it to yourself. We all need to learn to care for ourselves first and meet our own needs first. If we are so busy caring for everyone else, who is there for us? We need to be there for us. Burnout occurs when we continually give out to others and don’t give enough to ourselves. See the article: Self-Nurturing Activities and set some goals this week to care for yourself. There are plenty of suggestions so just chose a few and add them into your weekly schedule. In fact, write them in your diary or on the family calendar. Otherwise, they may get relegated to the bottom of the priority list when other things come up (how often has that happened?)
3. Focus on your good qualities: Here’s an exercise to complete:

a)      Write down 5 good qualities you have. If you can’t think of 5, ask your partner, parents or friends.

b)      Think of other people who you admire (friends, actors, neighbours etc) and write down 5 of their good qualities.

c)      Now, think of the animals, birds, trees and/or flowers that you are drawn to and write down 5 of their good qualities.

You now have 15 of your own good qualities to focus on. If everything outside of us is a projection of ourselves, then we see in others and in things outside of us what is already within us. Next time you admire someone or notice the beauty in something, reflect for a moment and recognize that you have that quality within you. Start writing down the things you notice in a notebook and then read them over each night and you will begin to absorb some of your own inner beauty. For example, while you are out for your morning walk, you notice the blossoms on the jacaranda tree and say to yourself “Wow, how beautiful!” When you get home, write down what you found beautiful about the blossoms. Perhaps you saw them as gentle as they fell to the ground. Perhaps the color resonated with you and you thought “What a soft purple.” Maybe the tree looked majestic or strong. Then write your name and next to it all of the adjectives you have just used to describe the tree. (Name) is gentle, soft, yet strong and majestic. Is that true about you? Believe it! Our world is a mirror of us.

4. Express love to yourself: This exercise requires a mirror, preferably a full length one.

a)      stand in front of the mirror with your eyes closed. Take a few deep breaths and ask your inner critic to be still and quiet for the next few minutes.

b)      Open your eyes. Look at yourself with eyes of compassion and a heart full of love. Notice your hair, eyes, lips, nose, ears and neck.

c)      As you look at these parts of you, begin to give thanks for each of them. Speak out loud to these parts. Thank your eyes for their color or for their ability to see all the beauty around you. Thank your nose for being perfectly positioned in the middle of your face or for its acute sense of smell. Thank your neck for being strong and holding up your head. Continue down your body, looking and thanking each part for being there. If you have big thighs or a roll of fat around your stomach, find something to thank those parts for (maybe the thighs are strong and help you walk and the stomach carried your children). Stay positive and loving.

d)     Find at least 10 things about you that you can be grateful for. Compliment your precious being.

e)      Now, look into your eyes and tell yourself 5 things about your inner self that you love. For example: “You have a beautiful, sensitive nature,” “You are a strong woman,” “You are an inspiration to your children,” “You have boundless energy,” “You make people laugh.”

If you find this exercise difficult, it means you need to do it more often. It will get easier the more you do it. If you find your inner critic sneaking in, just tell it to go away and turn the volume up on your compassionate voice.

5.      Accept Yourself Unconditionally: Can you love and accept yourself unconditionally? Regardless of the negative things you may have done in your life? No matter what you have been through? Everyday say aloud several times: “I love myself. I will accept myself unconditionally.” 

This is what we needed to hear all through our childhood and into adulthood. Very few of us got this message. Instead, we got the message that when we did certain things, we were not worthy, not lovable, not acceptable. We ended up believing that we had to do the right things, be the perfect person, achieve more, do better at whatever we tried in order to be loved. Our self worth was dependent on our behaviour.

What we need most in life is to hear the message that we are acceptable and loveable and worthy just for being. We are good enough. Who we are is enough. We don’t have to do anything to prove our worth. This is unconditional love.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic to believe this for yourself?

You can start today by telling yourself over and over “I love myself. I accept myself unconditionally.” Even if you have negative feelings about yourself, you can choose to love yourself. You can choose to act as if you love yourself. If you decided today to love yourself, what would that look like? How would you treat yourself? Think about that. When you love others, how do you show them you love them?

Some of the things you might do are:

Pay attention to them (their needs, desires and feelings)

Listen to them

Console them

Treat them with respect

Surprise them with special treats

Support them

So what about paying attention to your needs, desires and feelings? What about listening to yourself? Consoling yourself? Treating yourself with respect? Supporting yourself and doing special things for yourself? When was the last time you loved yourself in these ways? If someone you love is having problems, do you put them down, label them “hopeless”, tell them how pathetic they are? Of course not. Why, then do you so often do this to yourself?

Let’s challenge ourselves to show the same love towards ourselves that we show to others. We may start to feel differently about ourselves. We may be more tolerant, more kind and gentle and more accepting of who we are. Because who we are is okay.

6. Self-approval: Rather than looking to others for approval, look only to yourself and give the approval you desire. Recognise that your value as a person does not depend on approval from others. A good daily affirmation is: “I value and approve of myself.”

Acknowledge everything about yourself and accept who you are now. Not when you loose 10 kilos. Not after you are healed. Not when you stop losing your temper. Not once you conquer your addictions. But right now. Warts and all. This is unconditional love.

What are some of the things that you need to accept about yourself? Make a list of those things you find difficult to accept and then make a pledge to change your thinking from judgement to compassion. Instead of putting yourself down next time one of your “flaws” is exposed, try to show yourself understanding and love. Say to yourself, “It’s okay, we are working on this issue. One day it will be resolved. Let’s just enjoy life now.” Then move on. Do some activity. Go for a walk or a bike ride. Dance, sing, play the guitar. Shift your attention from yourself to others. Ring a friend. Buy a card and mail it to your great Aunt. Better still. Send a card to yourself!

7. Meet your own needs: A practical way to show yourself love is to look at what needs you have and then meet them. We do this so automatically for others like our children and our lovers. Unfortunately, many of us expect others to know what we need and meet these needs for us. But really, we are responsible for our own well-being. So, look at the following list of needs and write down in your journal the needs that are not being met in your life right now. They will jump out at you as you read the list.

Physical Needs:
Safety

Security

Clean air to breath

Nutritious food

Adequate rest & sleep

Being touched

Sexual expression

Fun & play

Emotional Needs: 

To love & be loved

Companionship

Friendship

A sense of belonging

Intimacy

Being listened to

Being respected

Recognition, appreciation & praise

Forgiveness

Loyalty & trust

Understanding

Nurturing

Expressing & sharing your feelings

Validation

Attention from others

Mental Needs: 

Stimulation for your mind

A sense of accomplishment

Fulfilling goals

Feeling competent in some area

Making a contribution to society

Creative time

Recreation time

Relaxation

Autonomy: to be self-determined & make own choices

Freedom & independence

Spiritual Needs: 

Spiritual awareness

A connection to God or Higher Power

Seeking meaning in life

Solitary time

Personal growth

Self-awareness

Inner peace

Inner connection to authentic self

Look at the needs you chose and think about what you could do over the next few weeks or months in order to satisfy them. Remember, you are responsible for meeting your needs. You can’t expect others to know what you need unless you ask. Set some goals that will lead you to satisfying your needs.

Examples:

Need for fun & play: Go ice-skating next weekend.

Need for a sense of accomplishment: Ring Tafe for their course outline and register for a computer course starting next term.

Need to be listened to: Ask John if we can sit together after dinner and talk (without the TV being on). Or, listen to yourself! Maybe you need to be there for yourself more.

Need for friendship: Approach Sue from work and ask if she wants to go out for coffee.

8. Self Parenting: Many of us did not receive optimal parenting and so we have never really learned how to parent ourselves. Many of the ideas above would be common sense for those who had positive experiences growing up. When our needs are consistently met and when we know that we are loved unconditionally and we feel accepted and loved for our unique selves, we automatically give these things to ourselves. They are gifts and if we did not receive them, we do not know how to give them to ourselves. Learning to be a good parent to yourself can be difficult, but it is well worth the effort. See the article Being a Good Parent to Yourself: A Self-Parenting Visualisation  and listen the visualisation audio you find there.

When completing the exercises above, try imagining that you are parenting yourself and then treat yourself the way a good parent would. In particular, your emotional needs for nurturing, validation, love, appreciation, praise or respect can be met by your inner parents. Simply ask yourself how you would treat a child or a loved one when they are in need of these things. Perhaps you would soothe them, tell them that you are there for them or that all is well. Do the same for yourself next time you need some loving attention.

You can also use self-parenting to discipline yourself when you are treating yourself in less than nurturing ways. Do you abuse your body with junk food, coffee, alcohol or drugs? What would a good parent say to their child or teenager under these circumstances? Perhaps they would limit the amount of junk food brought into the house and then say “no more” when they saw you were going for an extra piece of chocolate cake. Maybe they would teach you about the effects of alcohol or drugs on your health and tell you they can ruin your life if you are not careful. Talk to yourself with compassion, love and firmness in such situations. Remember that when our wounded inner child is activated by stressful situations he/she will want us to go numb by indulging in alcohol, food, spending sprees, sex etc. Set boundaries with them. Reach for balance in your life.

A Final Word on loving yourself:Learning to love yourself takes effort and persistence. If you have spent a lifetime criticising yourself, abusing yourself, ignoring or demanding from yourself, your inner light is not shining. Instead it is huddled under a dark cover, protecting itself from further harm and harassment. So, don’t be surprised if at first, you don’t get much of a response and you don’t feel any different or better. It just may be that you need to show compassion and love to your inner self in the same way you would do to a scared, sad little child you found in an abandoned back alley.

As long as we withhold love from ourselves, we cannot unconditionally love others. It may look like love, but it is not genuine. It is impossible to give love to others from a loveless well. We owe it to ourselves and to others, then, to learn to love ourselves.